What do I do when encountering unfairness and injustice directed towards someone I love? When there is disrespect and callousness?
I have experienced this; a plethora of behaviours and choices so remarkably asinine and so poorly thought out that I couldn't make sense of it. A person I love, who by mine and 99.9% of people’s standards, is the good stuff, one in a million. This person, with no explanation or cause, was being wronged. Heartbroken and deeply sad, I saw them treated in ways they would never treat their worst enemy. It was hard to watch.
The life coach in me really wanted to sit down with the offenders and dig in, create awareness, and make them see that how they handled things said so much about them, and not the good kind of stuff. I wanted them to understand that this came from their own insecurities and issues, their own stress and overwhelm. I wanted them to know that they could've tried something else, like humility, humanity and self-responsibility.
I wanted to fix it for the person I love. I also wanted to fix it as a whole.
So, what did I do?
I let my actions speak for themselves. I tried to show character and decency. I supported and reminded the person I love that their character, value, and decency spoke for them, and I cheered them on.
Actions are the greatest demonstration of character.
So, how the heck do you do this when you're angry and sad? When you can't make sense of the nonsensical?
STAY PRESENT
I've always told my clients that these things will feel bad, and they have every right to feel that way. I remind them that they feel bad and to continue making choices that reflect the best of who they are and the future vision they have for themselves.
Here's where you pause; give yourself some time to absorb the blow, use self-compassion and feel your experience. Do your best to avoid, shoulda, coulda, woulda and remind yourself that you can only control your inner world - your thoughts and responses.
GET EVEN
Whoever is trying to bring you down is already below you. So, do not go to their level; stay level, stay even.
There are many things in life that we don’t get over - things we just learn to live with. Try and find a place of acceptance. This is not liking or condoning. You can absolutely take a stand, speak up, and you should. Then remind yourself that you're the unfortunate collateral damage in other people's dramas, the stories in their heads, their insecurities, poor choices and lack of awareness.
TAKE HEART
Know that good character and quality stand the test of time. Notice the support and respect of good people who stand with you and for you. Allow others to “bear witness” to the event and to provide support and reinforcement. Take good advice and create a “best, bad plan” or as Sheryl Sandberg’s friend said to her after her husband died, “Option A is no longer available, and it sucks, and it's wrong, but we're going to kick the shit out of Option B.”
TAKE YOUR SIDE
Take small steps to positively support healing and forward movement, increase self-care, and be patient with yourself. Continue to act from your code and find ways to burn off the stress and pent-up negative emotions. Do things that feel good, even if they don’t in the moment! This helps put your brain in a different state and releases feel-good hormones. Slow things down and take each choice and decision and step as it comes.
REMEMBER
Remember that this will pass, and although life can't be the same, future opportunities and brighter days will come.
Remember who you are and what matters.
Remember what you're grateful for.
Remember times you've struggled, felt down, hurt or sad, and know you will survive and thrive - you have before, and you will again.
Remember, rising above and beyond other people's pettiness and meanness is the best revenge. That's how you get even.
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