How To Get What You Need
What could happen if...You asked for what you needed?
Do you secretly believe that if he/she loves me or knows me, they'll know what I like and what I need? Do you hint or imply or leave clues, hoping that the people in your life will receive these messages like a psychic in a travelling fair? Do you think I would, so they should! Or, I would never, so of course, why would they? Or do you stop yourself from sharing what would be most helpful or supportive for fear of looking needy, weak or being a burden? Well, if you do any of these, welcome to the human experience! But, what could happen if you asked for what you needed?
You might get it!
Resentment will disappear, and you'll feel in charge of and responsible for your own satisfaction and joy. You'll experience more meaningful relationships, and you'll stop waiting for others to disappoint you or let you down.
You will build trust.
In yourself and others. You'll have to be vulnerable, but you'll learn that the people who care for you will do what they can to support you in getting that need met. And, when it doesn't go so well, you'll learn to trust that you can pick up the pieces and nurture yourself.
You will teach others to do the same.
You'll permit others to speak up and to stop the guessing game. Grey area, fuzziness and confusion will disappear, and all your connections will thank you for it. You can stop speculating and assuming – imagine the free time and extra energy!
No more sabotaging. Mentally, emotionally and/or physically. Unmet needs such as love, support, affection, recognition, fun are at the root of most relationship issues, poor health habits, sabotaging behaviours, disjointed goals and on and on. Why? Because when you don't know how to ask for, meet and healthily support your needs (listening to yourself, getting support, reaching out for help, committing to choices each day) - you'll inevitably try and meet them in a not-so-healthy and less productive way (using guilt, pouting, over-eating, stopping and starting things, etc.) As you get the need met, the bad habits start to fade, and your ability to create what's most important becomes aligned with what you value.
HOW? 1. EMBRACE THE VULNERABILITY. Take the risk, and express and request. It's the feeling of being a bother or looking weak for most people that stops them in their tracks. We're hardwired to loathe rejection, and making a direct request is a sure-fire way to get shot down. Don’t ask, don’t risk - no worries of rejection. Also, no chance of getting what we need or honouring ourselves either. 2. DROP THE BELIEF THAT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK! It's not a demand, expectation or ultimatum. It's the highest form of respect for yourself and others. It's a message of value. You're saying, I trust you and care about you enough to let you see me, get to know me and to support me, and I want to do the same. Don’t buy into the small part of you that tries to convince you that you're a bother, not worth it or that they can't or won't.
3.TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. Listen to and give yourself what you need consistently. Need to rest? Do it. Need to meet new people? Get out there. Need to break a habit? Get support. It's not up to others to take of your needs - they're simply an ally in you meeting them for yourself. Get to know yourself, uncover and source what you need more of - affection, recognition, and fun? Jack up your life and your choices to start taking care of them.
4. BE CLEAR AND BE SPECIFIC! Saying to your husband, I want you to be more romantic, is as ambiguous as a politician on the campaign trail. There's a wide array of romantic, and maybe your version of romantic is another person’s version of cheesy. Life's too short to pretend to be happy, keep your mouth shut and wait around for others to get it. Only you really know what you need, and therefore, the onus is on you to articulate, reinforce and express gratitude when it does show up. 5. GET NEEDY. The sooner you learn what your needs are, the sooner you can take care of them and not need them any longer. This means that you will have created an environment, habits, relationships and skills that automatically meet this need. You'll have designed your world in such a way that they are taken care of. What more could you need?!
So, what could happen if? You may find that life is more fulfilling, connected and joyful. You might find that if you're vulnerable, clear and specific, you'll stop being needy, and instead, you will be and create all that you need.
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